Thinking Out Loud: Boys, College, and Cheesecake

Today I thought I would venture out and try something new-- Thinking out Loud! Considering my brain is 99.9% composed of random, jumbled thoughts, I think this will be right up my alley. Let us all give Amanda a big round of applause for coming up with such a grand idea, and also for being the creator of a pretty awesome blog. Check her out!

                       

1. I've said it a million-and-twelve times but I'm going to say it again. . . I START COLLEGE IN ELEVEN DAYS. Until now this summer has flown by, but at this point I am just dying for school to start already. I've got a mad craving for homework that I just can't kick! (Yes, I am one of those people)

2. Looking back, this has honestly been the best summer of my entire life. Which is strange, because I didn't travel at all this summer besides going down to San Diego for a few days. I would travel everywhere if my wallet allowed for it, so normally a summer at home would not be my first choice. However, this summer was different. I really took advantage of these last few months living at home. I went to the beach with my family, stayed out until 2 am with my friends-- heck, I even have a boyfriend now. Recovery is a thing of beauty.


3. The boyfriend. (I still haven't gotten used to saying that!) He makes me so happy. It's nice to have someone who cares about me, who I can confide in, and be a goof with. Being a goof is fun.

The goofs atop a beautiful mountain after a grueling uphill trek.

4. This TED talk. Whether you cower at the thought of any form of social interaction, or you're that one person at the party dancing on tables-- just watch this.

5. Why won't anyone buy my saddle? Wahh! I have been trying to sell my old horseback riding saddle for weeks now on Craigslist and haven't received a single bid. Any equestrians out there who are interested? It really is a nice saddle! I won't be using it in college though, so unfortunately we must part ways.

If by chance you or anyone you know is interested, here is the link: https://slo.craigslist.org/grd/4635595228.html

6. I just realized that I only work three more shifts before I leave my job. :( For those of you who may not know, I have worked at a doggy day care for two years now, and it had truly been one of the biggest blessings ever. I worked in a restaurant for over a year and it was just not my cup of tea. Sure, the tips were nice, but I would much rather make a little less money and love my job than put so much effort into something I hate.

7. I wish I knew how to make cheesecake. Man, I have been craving some good cheesecake for weeks now! Unfortunately I am not the most talented chef. I have learned that if it requires anything more than preheating the oven and adding a few eggs, it is probably in my best interest to stay away.

Someone, please, help me out here. I promise I'll share.

8. College.

• What's on your mind this week?
• What is your favorite type of cheesecake?

WIAW: Bagels, Oreos, and Chocoholic Problems

Hello all! Today I thought I would give this whole, "What I Ate Wednesday" (WIAW) thing a try. I have began posting my meals less and less frequently on my Instagram because it's honestly not something I think about at each mealtime anymore. However, I feel posting a single day's worth of food every once in a while could benefit me in some ways, as it will allow me to track my progress and also take note of things that could still use some work.

So, without further ado, here is what my tummy got to enjoy today:

Breakfast: A plain bagel with peanut butter and a big bag of fruit consisting of apples, oranges, and green grapes. I also had a cup of "Mudslide" flavored coffee with 2% milk and Truvia. This coffee is divine.

Snack: White chocolate raspberry Quest bar and a perfectly ripe banana. It had been months since I ate anything other than the chocolatey Quest bars, so this was a nice change! Even though it was still technically chocolate. (#chocoholicprobs)

Lunch: I swear I will never grow tired of peanut butter. It is merely impossible. So lunch was one of my favorite things-- a peanut butter sandwich on wheat with an apple, carrots, a handful of spicy cheddar flavor popped Wheat Thins, and a caramel machiatto flavored yogurt. I also grabbed an Oreo because there was a giant box of them sitting on the kitchen counter. Apparently I'm in a snacking mood today!

Snack: I needed a quick protein fix, and this is all I could find! Oh well, one can never have too many Quest bars I suppose. Also, a big bowl of green grapes because yum. 

Dinner: HEAVEN ON EARTH aka Urbane Cafe. I went with one of my best guy friends and ordered the roasted turkey sandwich. This place never gets old. 

Dessert: What better way to end the night than with a bowl full of chocolatey goodness? I wasn't kidding when I said I'm a chocoholic. It's a serious problem. . .  I mean blessing. 

*Bonus picture* This is Andy. He is one of the 10293289238109762 reasons why I love my job. Also because they have cookies. Dogs and cookies-- what more does one need in life?

• What was the best part of your day?

Comparison Kills Contentment

Good afternoon all! I hope each of you are enjoying this lovely Saturday afternoon as much as I am. I am currently nestled in the little hammock swing that hangs from the tree in our backyard, overlooking my little town and enjoying the sun's warm rays that I am fortunate enough to see at least 364 days of the year here in California.





My happy place :)


I wanted to share a conversation I had a few nights ago that truly opened my eyes to the way that males perceive different female body shapes; specifically, the thigh gap.


My boyfriend and I went on a triple date Tuesday night (so much fun!) and afterwards, the six of us went to my boyfriend's house to hang out for a bit. We were all gathered in his room discussing everything from parents, to work, even feet (Yes, feet. Don't ask). One random topic led to another, and before I knew it the conversation had evolved to something that, given my past, can be difficult for me to talk about.


Me: Did Macy go off to college yet? I haven't heard from her all summer.


Friend A (female) : I don't know, I haven't heard much from her either.


Friend B (male): That girl has the weirdest legs.


Now, to be completely honest, I knew exactly what he was referring to. I will discuss this further in a moment, but first I feel I should give you a bit of background information.


Macy is one of those girls that everyone absolutely adores and envies. Not only is she unbelievably beautiful and constantly receiving compliments from other girls regarding her "perfect body," but she is extremely intelligent, athletic, and one of the most uniquely creative people I have ever met. I first met her at the beginning of my senior year in high school, about a month into recovery. Despite the fact that she is the same age, height, hair color, has the same eye color, and even took the same classes as I did that year, those mean voices convinced me I could never measure up to Macy's seemingly flawless persona. I found myself obsessively comparing myself to her, and the more I did, the more shame I felt towards myself. Do not take this lightly when I say comparison truly is the enemy. 


So there I stood in this extremely delicate situation. I did not want to act passively and let Friend B's comment slide, however I also didn't want to to get defensive over a mindless comment. I settled on the idea that simply playing dumb might be a good decision.


Me: What do you mean?


Friend B: Well, okay. So you know how most girls, their thighs make like a V shape at the top? Well Macy's are like-- like a square. You know what I mean? Like instead of making a V it's just this big empty space up there. It's not normal.


Here is an innocent, non-eating disordered teenage boy mind telling me that thigh gaps are weird. (Note: the term "thigh gap" was never actually mentioned in the conversation because it was clear he wasn't aware such a thing existed. And I was sure not to bring it up--the fewer people in this world who know about the thigh gap phenomenon, the better) I cringe knowing I spent my senior year so envious, angry even, at the fact that my that by body did not naturally have that thigh gap. And to think, while so many girls (including myself) longed to possess her figure, the majority of boys found it unhealthy looking. Strange, isn't it?


There were points in my life when I absolutely loathed myself because I didn't think the space between my thighs was wide enough. For a long time, I let my muscles deteriorate, I let my long, blonde, hair fall out because I thought achieving this unattainable goal might give me the slightest chance of earning someone's approval as a person. In retrospect, I see that the only approval I longed for was my own. 

For years I shamed myself for not having a perfect body, perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect grades, perfect social skills. There were times during recovery when I longed to go back. I missed being dangerously underweight, I craved the feeling I got when I had somehow convinced myself that with each pound I lost, the more control I gained. And now? Now, I conjure up memories from those times and try to fathom why, why did I do that to myself? Now, I wish I could go back and tell myself not to fall victim to the eating-disordered voice inside my head. I wish I could have told myself to love the healthy body I was born with. But I can't. Time machines have not yet been invented, which leaves me with no choice but to fight and conquer the eating disorder voices inside my head.

I never imagined I would be capable of attacking such obstacles, but here I am. I can't go back in time, but I can sure as hell make the choice to fight these demons and ensure I will never go back to that place of self-hatred. It is a work in progress, but I have come so far. My legs don't make a "square shape at the top" anymore, but that is okay. My legs make a V-shape at the top. That is okay. I am healthy, and I am happy. That is more than okay.

Currently: Summertime 2014

My, oh my. This summer has quite possibly been the craziest time I have ever experienced! With that said, I have also been the happiest I have ever been. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I am finally free to enjoy life as I once did. Except now, I am enjoying it even more than I ever imagined.  

Despite the whirlwind I've been caught up in (AKA life) I would really really really like to get back into the habit of blogging. Craziness = scattered thoughts = well, more craziness. As much as I truly have been enjoying myself, I think it would benefit me to take the time to sit down on a regular basis and compose my thoughts.

In an effort to get back into the blogging groove, I decided to whip up a good ol' Currently post. I am looking forward to just a few weeks from now when I will be able to document the transition from home life to college life. That is when all the real exciting blog entries will take form. For now though, here is what I have been up to outside of the interweb:

Current Book: John. Freaking. Green. I was only going to post my favorite, but let's be honest. If you are familiar with John Green, you know it is impossible to choose just one of his books to rave about. *confession* I may or may not have read three (going on four) John Green books in less than a week. *another confession* My name is Brittany and I am completely, happily, creppily, in love with John Green. There. I said it. But seriously, read these books.

Current Music: I've had this song on repeat for a good two weeks now. Not only is it extremely catchy, but it is incredibly uplifting and every time I hear it I can feel my level of confidence shoot up through the roof! It's nothing deep, but it sends a solid (humorous) message about loving your body and not buying into all the photoshopped media we see far too much of these days. You go, Meghan Trainor.

Current Guilty Pleasure: Still Dance Moms. Sorry.

Current Nail Color: Naked. What can I say, they're happiest that way.

Current Drink: Since I was but a wee Kindergartener, my mom has always purchased those little eight ounce bottles of Sunny D for my brothers and I to put in our lunches. Upon entering high school though, I stopped taking them in my lunch because they're "for kids." Psh. Who am I kidding, Sunny D is delicious! (Even if I am in fact 18 years old) The other day I came home to find an entire GALLON of Sunny D in the fridge, so I figured I might as well help get rid of it!

Current Food: Let us all take a moment to wipe the drool off our faces as we admire the perfection that lies within the contents of this jar. I gobble this stuff up by the spoonful. No shame.

Current Obsession: I didn't think it was possible, but my Pinterest obsession has cultivated. Currently *pun intended* it is because I am in desperate need of inspiration for my dorm! I have been pinning ideas like a madwoman. Still, a final decision has yet to be made. For now, more pinning it is!

http://www.pinterest.com/brittanylane95/

Current Wish: For college to start already! Yes, I said it. I actually want to be in school. I never thought I would see the day where I actually crave homework. Perhaps I should see a doctor for that.

Current Need: To finish (and by finish I mean start) dorm shopping. I don't know how I'm going to decorate my dorm yet and I move in less than 3 weeks! Gah. I hate decisions.

                          

Current Bane of My Existence: The fact that my best friend of ten years is moving far to the other side of the country to go to school in New York City! Wahh! As devastated as I am, I know our friendship isn't going anywhere. We survived high school together despite being five hours away from each other, so I am confident that a few more miles between us isn't going to make a difference. Our wallets will be taking the biggest toll, having to buy plane tickets to visit each other.

Current Blessing: I am learning to appreciate what my body can do rather than what size jeans I can fit into. Although I may not be thrilled with what I see in the mirror everyday, I know that I should be. My body allows me to express myself in dance class, stay out until midnight with my friends, and be a had-working employee at a job that I could not love more. If that isn't a blessing, I don't know what is.

How does one not absolutely love this job!?

Current Excitement: COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE.

Current Mood: Anticipative. Did I mention I'm moving out in less than three weeks?

Current Link: Brittany Burgunder's blog. Though I have never met Brittany in person, I feel as though I have known her for years! This girl is quite possibly the strongest, most persevering person I know. I am honored to not only share a love for horses with her and attend the same school together, but even share the same name! Brittanys rule. :) (p.s. Brittany also has a book coming out soon-- maybe by the time I do my next "currently" post, you will see that under "current book!")

Well, that's it for now folks! Not to worry though, I shall return soon with some new and (hopefully) exciting blogs. Thanks for reading!

What is your current obsession? (come on, we all have at least one)

I felt like a princess.

I realize that my posts on this blog seem to be far and few between these days, however I hope you all understand that this is an extremely hectic time in my life. As I have mentioned in previous posts, life's events seem to be hitting me all at once. College preparation, AP exams, graduation, prom, dance recitals, and countless more events are quite a bit to handle at the same time. It is a juggling act, I tell you. And juggling is not exactly my forte. 

It is exciting though! I am in no way complaining at all. In fact, I am enjoying life more than ever at this moment in time. 

Now, on to the real reason I am here. Last weekend was my senior prom. I am just going to come right out and say that it was one of the most wonderful nights I have ever experienced. Definitely one for the books. I had a date, a lovely group of friends, and practically zero food anxiety! It was magical. 

Leading up to the big day, I only had one fear. I feared that I would be as miserable on prom as I was last year. I decided I would compare this year's prom to last year's, because I want you all to see what it is like to actually live. 

Prom 2013 (Last year):

I was nearing an all time low, both physically and emotionally. I was weak, depressed, angry, and felt nothing but emptiness. I went with two "friends" (neither of whom I speak to anymore) and I ended up leaving early. I restricted the entire week before. We went out to dinner before, where I ordered a caesar salad. While my friends enjoyed their meals chatting excitedly about all of the wonderful things that were going to take place in just under an hour, I sat in the corner picking the pieces of lettuce out of my salad. I had woken up early so I could go to the gym that morning, danced all night only to burn calories, and all so I could enjoy a few measly bites of a McFlurry after the dance. Then, instead of going out after and having a sleepover at my friend's house, I went home exhausted from the lack of fuel I had provided my body with. I was a walking ghost. 

Prom 2014 (Last weekend):

Words could not begin to express my excitement. I could not stop the thoughts from racing through my head. How should I wear my hair? I can't forget to pick up my dress tomorrow! What if my makeup doesn't turn out well? I hope I don't spill anything on my dress! I really need to practice walking in those heels. Should I do my hair or makeup first? The list goes on. However. Did anyone else notice that not one of those racing thoughts had to do with food, meal times, or calories? That is because we as humans are not supposed to stress about such silly nonsense! While I may have been full of anxiety as the days until prom grew fewer, I have to say I would much rather be thinking about  how I should wear my hair than stressing over when and where I will be eating. 

My date picked me up at 5 and we went to my friend's house for a barbecue outside with a big group of all our friends where we all enjoyed tri-tip and fruit salad. We took pictures by the beach, and I truly felt beautiful. I had a wonderful time with my date and friends dancing the night away for fun, and afterwards we stopped at In-n-Out and got hamburgers before heading to a huge after-party. My date and I left the party early (it was boring ;)) and the two of us ventured into the "secret spot" that only my friends and I know about. We sat outside in silence for hours overlooking my small town, underneath a sea of stars until the sun started to rise. At that point, the two of us slightly panicked as we knew we had to get home before our patents woke up and realized we weren't home. He treated me wonderfully the entire night; opening doors, lending me his coat, paying for food, and tolerating my awful dancing skills. (We are only friends though, promise!) He dropped me back off at my house at 5:30 a.m. and I immediately crashed until nearly eleven that morning. I awoke with a smile on my face reminiscing about the previous night and all of its festivities. 

Now, let me ask you, which night would you rather experience?

Still can't decide? Here, maybe this will help you. 

Or maybe this.

Take a risk. Go out. Enjoy yourself. Live. You will not regret it. 

• What color was your prom dress/ What color would you want it to be?

Coffee.

Wow. I cannot believe it has has been twenty-three days since my last blog. Twenty-three days! It seems that those twenty-three days have come and gone in a matter of seconds. Being a senior in high school, this is undoubtedly the most stressful time I have ever experienced in my life. College acceptance, college rejection, college tours, college tuition, college scholarships. It is safe to say that the pesky word has monopolized most (if not all) aspects of my life these last few weeks.

This post will be a little "catch up" session. Like those coffee dates friends partake in when they haven't talked in a while. So what do you say? Let's grab some coffee.

Oh my, where to begin? There is so much to say! I think fist, I should apologize for my lack of posts lately. As I mentioned earlier. . .

College. 

Enough said. But really, I am deeply sorry. Having zero time to write and blog has put me on edge, as it is one of my favorite ways to clear my mind and really get a more in depth look at what my life has currently consisted of.

So what has my life consisted of lately? The answer lies in the question itself: life.

I finally feel as though I am living. I go to parties, I have a large group of friends who accept me for who I am, I can focus on my schoolwork, even food is hardly causing me anxiety anymore. I FEEL NORMAL. And let me tell you, it is the best feeling ever. Which sounds more enjoyable: Hair loss, depression, emaciation, and starving? Or sushi, dancing, hot boys, and McDonald's ice cream?

I hope you do not even need me to answer that for you.

I honestly do not even know what brought about the "click" in my brain that allowed me to see things clearly. It just happened. I wish I could provide you with a better explanation. I think it is one of those things that one will never understand until they experience it first hand. I have come to the realization that my senior year was not intended to be spent alone and despondent. This is my senior year for goodness sake! I should reminisce about these days ten years from now and long to go back once more!

In contrast to the past, there is also the future-- I am sure you can guess where this is heading at this point-- yep. You guessed it.

College.

I intend to make up for everything that I missed in high school throughout these next four years. I am going to join every club, every organization, every committee, every sport, anything that sparks my interest-- because I want to be involved. [Oh, and I will be sure to keep up with all that "academic stuff"as well. ;)]

Which leads me to my final and most significant piece of news: I KNOW WHERE I AM GOING TO COLLEGE. Yes. It's true! I am committing to Sonoma State University. On Friday, I traveled there with my mom and a friend to tour the campus and meet with a few department heads. I fell in love. No lie. I am sporting my Sonoma State sweatshirt at the very moment as I type this. I feel as though the heaviest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have a future!

My advice to you: Have a plan. Know what you want, and chase after it. Whether it is in recovery, schoolwork, sports, college, anything. Create goals, and construct plans to achieve them. Remember, it is not where you go, but where you end up.

Your turn:

• What one thing you currently wish to achieve?
• What is your favorite drink to get at Starbucks?

Square 1.

Earlier this evening, I was sprawled out across the living room couch scrolling through Instagram. As I thumbed through my news feed, I came across a video posted by @ucdavis that read in the caption, "Welcome aggies!" I knew exactly what it meant. I immediately sprung my limp body off the couch and bolted to my room to retrieve my laptop. I logged in to my UC Davis account and clicked on "application status." UC Davis has been my top choice for three years now, when I first thought I wanted to be a veterinarian. It is ranked number two under Cornell University for having the best veterinary science program in the country. Within milliseconds I would know what my future holds. Unfortunately, the future did not hold UC Davis in its hands.

I was rejected. 

My heart sank further and further each time I reread the dreadful line:

I regret that we are unable to offer you admission to UC Davis for fall quarter 2014.

It is truly a perfectionist's nightmare. I nearly pinched myself in hopes that perhaps I would wake up to find an acceptance letter had come in the mail. It was not an easy fact to accept. It still isn't. I was even embarrassed to pass the news on to my parents. I knew they would not be angry at me, in fact my dad's first words were, "Well it sucks to live up there anyway!" (He grew up in Sacramento, so he knows what it's like there). I knew deep down that the only one who would be angry at me, is me. 

Does anyone remember that game Sorry!? Remember how if your opponent landed in the same space as you, you had to move your pawn all the way back to the beginning? That is how I feel currently. I am back to square one. I am back in the What the heck am I going to do with my life? square. The fact that I haven't a single clue where I will be exactly six months from now is terrifying. 

However, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. There was a reason that UC Davis did not accept me. There is a reason the Cal Poly SLO and Sonoma State University did accept me. I have not told anyone this, but for several months now I have been doubting my future as a veterinarian. I love animals, they are and always will be a significant part of my life. But I do not know if that is what I want to do with my life anymore. Perhaps this is a sign that a profession in the veterinary field is not on God's itinerary for me. 

For now, I am still disappointed just by the fact that I was rejected. Like I said, rejection is not easy to accept. I will come around, though. A single letter from a single school does not define me. This goes for both acceptance as well as rejection letters. Like they say, "you win some, you lose some," At least, I think that is what they say. 

This is simply another hurdle thrown onto my path by the big man upstairs. I will overcome this. I will turn this obstacle into a navigating tool to help guide me from square one, to the square I was at previously, all the way to the last square on the game board. It may take me a while to get there, but for now I am on my way. 

Sorry this post was more of a journal entry than anything, but that's what a blog is after all, is it not? I just felt I needed to express my racing thoughts and feelings on paper-- er-- screen, that is. If you actually took the time to read this, you are a saint. Now go eat some pie. After all, it is Pi Day. (March 14/ 3.14)  

Oh, and play a nice game of Sorry! with your family while you're at it. ;)

What obstacles has God thrown you? How did you overcome them?
Do you celebrate Pi Day?