He is not a jerk.

Today, I decided to go on what I expected to be a relaxing, Sunday morning ride. Unlike the rest of the United States, the sun was beating down and there was not a breath of wind to be felt. Heck, it felt like summer. Oh, the perks of living in California! 

Well, I mounted my trusty steed, and we entered the arena to begin our ride. Within five minutes of warming up, I could sense something was off. That is just the kind of relationship we have. The way he was responding just did not feel like the Mamma Mia that I knew. (For the record, Mamma Mia is  a boy horse. I could write an entire post on that fact in itself, but for now, we shall let it be) Despite his odd mood, I continued riding in hopes that he would let go of whatever was getting to him. 

Roughly half-way through our ride, I asked him to pick up a canter. I sat deep in the saddle as my left leg nudged his side, encouraging him to go forward. 

Well, forward he went. 

In the blink of an eye his hind legs were above my head, nearly catapulting me through the air. I remained calm until he finally decided to stop with his nonsense. I was annoyed, but calm. Once all four hooves were back on the ground, my coach walked over to me to evaluate the situation. She knew exactly what I was thinking just my the expression on my face.

"He really is not a jerk," she said. 

I was not convinced. However, I continued listening. 

"He may act like a jerk, but that's not who he wants to be. He has jerk in him, but he is not a jerk."

She has a valid point. We all reveal jerk-like qualities and some point in our lives, but is that really what we want to be defined as? Do any of us long to be known as "The Jerk?" Hopefully not.

As I carried on with my ride, I began thinking. It is the same case with my eating disorder. Ed convinced me to lie, cheat, and treat people horribly. Ed made me do things I would never dare of doing just a few years ago. So yes, sometimes Ed forces me to come off as something I am not. However, it that really how I want people to define me? Is that how I want to define myself? Absolutely not. 

I refuse to let The Jerk (Ed) define me. I refuse to let my own identity fade into the shadows of my eating disorder. While yes, it is still a part of me, it is not me. I will not allow it to be me. 

In fact, I am going to go shut Ed up right now with some chocolate. Ed always keeps his mouth shut when chocolate is involved. Oh well, that's his loss. More for me!

P.S. In case you were wondering, Mamma Mia was a perfect angel for the remainder of our ride. He even let me give him a bubble bath afterwards. See? He is not a jerk. 

What is your favorite way to shut Ed up?