Trigger Repellant: How to cope with triggers during recovery.

trig·ger

 [trig-er]

noun

anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series of reactions.

In a society where weight loss, low-fat diets, and exercise dominate the media, it is safe to say that triggers are unavoidable in eating disorder recovery. Whether it is an ad on television, a comment made towards you, or maybe even a picture in a magazine, it is likely that something along these lines has put a strain on your recovery at one time or another. 

I wish I could tell you I have the solution to eliminate all diet and weight loss talk form your life forever. Believe me-- if I did, I would bottle it up and send you each an aerosol can labeled "trigger repellant." 




Okay, so maybe that isn't going to happen any time soon. I will work on that. For now, I can offer you a few tips that have helped me move past the many triggers we all come across during recovery. 

• Magazines that promote dieting, mention weight loss, or show images of supposedly "thinner" people. Let's face it-- Seventeen Magazine, People, Star-- are all basic necessities of a woman's life. Okay, so maybe they're not the best thing for us, but they do provide a fair amount of entertainment in waiting rooms and while traveling. Unfortunately, it is uncommon to come across a tabloid magazine that doesn't contain an article or ad promoting diets or someone's "incredible" weight loss journey. The most obvious solution to avoid this is to stop reading magazines. Invest your time into a good book instead. It will probably be more worth your time, anyways. ;) If you happen to be a tabloid junkie, however, that is okay too. If something triggering happens to pop up as you're flipping through pages, simply rip the page out and throw it away. The page will be gone for good, and it will give you an empowering feeling after. 

• "You look so much better!" These five words can be detrimental in one's recovery. During the gaining process, it is common for friends family members to begin to notice changes in your body. This could be weight gain, or even the returning signs of life in our eyes once again. Obviously to a non-eating-disordered person, this would be a lovely compliment. Often, though, that pesky little voice in our heads decides to twist those "compliments" into phrases more along the lines of "you've gained so much weight!" or, "You are so weak now." The people around us more than likely have never had an eating disorder before, and therefore do not understand the uncontrollable thoughts constantly going through our heads. If a close friend or family member makes a similar comment towards you, it is okay to take them aside and explain that it is not easy for you to process those words in a positive way. Simply tell them that you are not comfortable having people make comments about your appearance. If you are not close enough to this person to do this, try your best to take a step back, breathe, and realize that they truly mean what they said in the most loving way possible. They are overjoyed to see you getting your life back, and you should be too. 

• Numbers. Calories, weight, BMI, pounds lost, fat content-- numbers are everywhere both in the depths of an eating disorder and during recovery. My first word of advice to you is to delete any app on your phone that either a) counts calories b) is geared towards tracking weight loss c) calculates BMI d) reviews the "health content" of a food e) anything else I many have missed that will make your eating disorder happy. This next piece of advice may sound a bit odd a first, but I promise you it is for the best: Limit the amount of time you spend at the grocery store. Often times, we get caught up looking at the nutrition facts of different brands of foods in an attempt to find the "lowest calorie" or "low carb" option, etc. Before we know it, hours have passed and the shopping cart is still practically empty. This has happened to me on several occasions. Make a list beforehand so you are prepared, and limit your time by setting a timer on your phone, or go before work or an event so that you must leave at a certain time to avoid being late. Lastly, stop weighing yourself. I repeat-- DITCH THE SCALE. Make your mom hide it, throw it away, beat it with a hammer, anything. I have not had a scale in my house since August of 2013. While I often wonder what my weight is, I know that it is irrelevant to my happiness. Numbers have no control over you. Plus, who wants to spend their life constantly doing math in their head? Not me. 

These are only a few of the triggers that we often stumble upon during recovery, but I have found them to be some of the most common. It is not always possible to avoid your triggers, but please remember that it is possible to cope with them. Don't let a single comment or image send you into a relapse, or even let it ruin your day. Think of all the things you will get from recovery: freedom, happiness, relationships, ice cream, and so much more. (especially ice cream, though). 

Chocolate Lover's PB&J Power Bowl

This one is for all you chocolate lovers out there. I know I can't be the only one. 

Funny story about this recipe, it actually came to me as I was searching for bagel-topping ideas on Pinterest. Pictures of peanut butter bagels somehow led to crazy smoothie recipes, and by the end I was looking at mouthwatering images of chocolate fudge brownie oats. I am actually not sure how this idea popped into my head. I suppose I was inspired by the unending picture-perfect breakfasts on Pinterest. A mission to add some variety into my life resulted in a different variation of the breakfast I eat nearly every day— go figure. 

Despite the irony, this little bowl is powerfully packed with protein, healthy fats, and the perfect amount of carbs to get you through the early morning hours of the day. Oh, and let us not forget chocolate. It is powerfully packed with that, too. 

The not-so-secret (but crucial) ingredient

Chocolate PB&J Power Bowl

3/4 cup cottage cheese

2 tablespoons cocoa powder

1/2 tablespoon peanut butter (any nut butter works, but I prefer good ol’ PB)

1 teaspoon sugar or sweetener of choice

3/4 cup Special K cereal (I use the protein blend)

1/2 cup strawberries

1/2 frozen banana 

1. Combine cottage cheese, cocoa powder, peanut butter, and sugar into a bowl and mix until blended. If necessary, add a drop or two of water to compensate for the cocoa powder.
2. Slice strawberries into chunks (I typically cut them into fourths), and do the same with the frozen banana. Fold fruit into the cottage cheese mixture.
3. Top with Special K cereal.

Tah-dahhh! Your masterpiece is complete. Now sit down, relax, and enjoy! (or put in a tupperware container and take on the go!) Regardless of where this is eaten, I can assure you it will taste just as decadent. 

Note:

-If you are not a fan of cottage cheese, the texture of this bowl may not appeal to your tastebuds. If preferred, you may use yogurt, or a mixture of yogurt and cottage cheese. 

-As for the cocoa powder, feel free to add more or less depending on your love for chocolate. I lam obsessed everything chocolate, and I still  found the chocolate factor of this bowl to be very rich. 

-In my opinion, this bowl would not be the same without frozen banana. If you use a raw banana, there is a chance you may be disappointed with it. 

I am powerless.

10:34 p.m. 

I am alone. I am in my bed. 

I wish I was asleep, but I am not. 

I feel a sharp pang of sadness. 

I just want peace— Peace within my family, peace of mind, just peace.

10:38 p.m.

I am still alone, still in my bed. 

I feel empty. 

It seems as though I am alone under this roof of five. 

I hear only the sound of of the keyboard as my fingers type these very words. 

10:42 p.m.

I feel ignored. I am not fond of attention, so for me to admit this is rare. I feel scared— scared of the current state of my parent’s relationship— but most of all, scared because I know I am powerless in this situation. 

All I can do is lay here. I will lay here, and I will pray that God will be with my family during this time. 

The face of recovery.

The other day during an unproductive class period, I was sitting at my desk scrolling through some old photos on my phone. At the very top of my camera roll, I discovered the picture on the left, taken in August of 2013. It was the third photo out of the 548 that I have on my phone. I tapped on the little box to enlarge it. 

To some, these pictures may not look the lease bit different. What I saw though, horrified me. I looked awful. Yes I was smiling, but the life in my eyes was gone. It is was not an authentic representation of how I felt. It was not me. I think what shocked me most, was that I was already about a month into “recovery” (AKA my parents forcing me to eat) when this photo was taken. I remember the day very well. I was on my way out the door to see a Rascal Flatts concert that night with one of my only friends. That was the only effort I made to be social the entire summer, as I was still held tightly under the grasp of my disorder. I thought I was fine at the time. I was eating, therefore I surely must be recovered, right? 

Not right. There is a fine line between eating and recovering. Eating because your parents are forcing you is not recovering. While the body may be healing, the mind has not taken a single step forward from where it was when the body was starving. Eating because you are being threatened with inpatient is not recovering. Eating only because your parents are threatening to make you stay home from college is not recovering. Eating because you want your life back, however, that is recovering. 

Let me repeat that: You are not in recovery unless you make the decision. It is a choice you must make not only once, but every day for the rest of your life. Your parents cannot make the decision, and neither can your doctors, or anyone else besides you. Recovery means you have decided that life is not meant to be spent miserable and alone. Recovery means you have realized that you have been put on this Earth for a purpose. Recovery is opening your eyes and seeing that living with your eating disorder is really not living at all. 

Let us shift our eyes to the photo on the right. I took this photo in January of 2014, roughly two weeks ago. There is an approximate 6 month difference between the two of these photos. In those six months, I can proudly say have transformed into a new person. I am no longer the girl in forced recovery. I am simply the girl in recovery. I am here because I chose to be here. I chose recovery, day after day. Not only has my face filled out physically, but it is also full of life now. While getting used to my “rounder” face was not always easy, I have come to the realization that in order to recover, my face needed to fill out like this— and it looks pretty damn good now if I do say so myself. 

The thing that shocks me most when I look that these is that in the photo on the left, I was wearing loads of makeup. Foundation, mascara, eyeshadow, lip gloss, my hair was curled, the whole shebang. My eyes and mouth look huge because there was not much else to my face. My skin was stretched so tight due to the lack of fat on my face, and even makeup couldn't cover the bags under my eyes. On the right— in the photo taken two weeks ago— there is not a drop of makeup on my face. It was a Saturday morning, and I had just woken up. Yet even without makeup, my face gleams now. My expressions are genuine. I no longer need to paint a smile on my face. 

In layman’s terms: The face of recovery is beautiful. 

While I am not yet recovered, I am a hell of a lot closer now than I was six months ago. I am starting to remember what it feels like to live without being held back by my eating disorder. I am starting to enjoy having a social life. I have real friends that I care about and who care about me. I now know that even on the hard days I must choose recovery. Giving up is simply not an option anymore. 

If you are reading this, I want you to know that you too, are beautiful. I don’t care if you are in recovery, still haven’t started recovery, or are recovered now and forever. You are beautiful. Join me and embrace the face of recovery, because it is truly a wonderful thing.