To some, these pictures may not look the lease bit different. What I saw though, horrified me. I looked awful. Yes I was smiling, but the life in my eyes was gone. It is was not an authentic representation of how I felt. It was not me. I think what shocked me most, was that I was already about a month into “recovery” (AKA my parents forcing me to eat) when this photo was taken. I remember the day very well. I was on my way out the door to see a Rascal Flatts concert that night with one of my only friends. That was the only effort I made to be social the entire summer, as I was still held tightly under the grasp of my disorder. I thought I was fine at the time. I was eating, therefore I surely must be recovered, right?
Not right. There is a fine line between eating and recovering. Eating because your parents are forcing you is not recovering. While the body may be healing, the mind has not taken a single step forward from where it was when the body was starving. Eating because you are being threatened with inpatient is not recovering. Eating only because your parents are threatening to make you stay home from college is not recovering. Eating because you want your life back, however, that is recovering.
Let me repeat that: You are not in recovery unless you make the decision. It is a choice you must make not only once, but every day for the rest of your life. Your parents cannot make the decision, and neither can your doctors, or anyone else besides you. Recovery means you have decided that life is not meant to be spent miserable and alone. Recovery means you have realized that you have been put on this Earth for a purpose. Recovery is opening your eyes and seeing that living with your eating disorder is really not living at all.
Let us shift our eyes to the photo on the right. I took this photo in January of 2014, roughly two weeks ago. There is an approximate 6 month difference between the two of these photos. In those six months, I can proudly say have transformed into a new person. I am no longer the girl in forced recovery. I am simply the girl in recovery. I am here because I chose to be here. I chose recovery, day after day. Not only has my face filled out physically, but it is also full of life now. While getting used to my “rounder” face was not always easy, I have come to the realization that in order to recover, my face needed to fill out like this— and it looks pretty damn good now if I do say so myself.
The thing that shocks me most when I look that these is that in the photo on the left, I was wearing loads of makeup. Foundation, mascara, eyeshadow, lip gloss, my hair was curled, the whole shebang. My eyes and mouth look huge because there was not much else to my face. My skin was stretched so tight due to the lack of fat on my face, and even makeup couldn't cover the bags under my eyes. On the right— in the photo taken two weeks ago— there is not a drop of makeup on my face. It was a Saturday morning, and I had just woken up. Yet even without makeup, my face gleams now. My expressions are genuine. I no longer need to paint a smile on my face.
In layman’s terms: The face of recovery is beautiful.
While I am not yet recovered, I am a hell of a lot closer now than I was six months ago. I am starting to remember what it feels like to live without being held back by my eating disorder. I am starting to enjoy having a social life. I have real friends that I care about and who care about me. I now know that even on the hard days I must choose recovery. Giving up is simply not an option anymore.
If you are reading this, I want you to know that you too, are beautiful. I don’t care if you are in recovery, still haven’t started recovery, or are recovered now and forever. You are beautiful. Join me and embrace the face of recovery, because it is truly a wonderful thing.
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